INSIGHT.

Mother do you have a favourite?

Some time back there was a Bollywood flick named ‘Kapoor and Sons’ and the storyline had a mother steal the manuscript from the younger son and give it to the older one ,defying an age old concept that the younger child is always the one that is pampered and hence dearer .The movie was well appreciated, the acting skills of the lead pair was applauded but the question that was not

and which eluded many, was that why would any mother do this to her own biological kids, prefer one over the other?

You may have met families where rule breaking aggressive kids, seldom get pulled up for their acts, as against the quieter and softer ones who get lashed out at, for similar acts of defiance and you keep wondering how unreasonable the mother could be.

But you don’t say it aloud.

‘There is no difference,’ I have grown up telling my children every time they asked me who my favourite was, and I used to tell them, ‘you tell me, who do you love more, me or your dad? or which arm is your chosen one, can you do your errands with one hand or one arm?’ And that logic kind of pacified them for they didn’t have an answer and they accepted.

But now the question is whether mothers have favourites or not.It started as a light-hearted gloss over a significant relationship issue but concentrating on a problem and over thinking made it intense . Did I have a favourite too ? Consciously the answer is ‘No’ but on closer analysis, I realised that interactions and conversations with the two of them differed, as the two were different individuals, different personalities. But it needed deeper inspection and emotional analysis, even though many years have gone by, and my kids have long flown the nest. One of my friends said that one could introspect or re-explore and that one could probably then redefine my erstwhile logic of, ‘both are equal.’

And I didn’t want to avoid my feelings instead wanted to handle them head on.. If you leave things and emotions unsorted at this stage, it feels like a shadow lurking from different corners of your mind. Every time there is a self-doubt or a dilemma, I don’t know how others think about it, but I resolve the same by talking about it and expressing myself. It helps and even allows me to come closer to finding a way out. There is no discomfort in talking about your issues to friends and close family members ,for it is good to face the truth and do your emotional processing, to feel better. It also dissolves any element of guilt shame and fear.

So here I was talking to friends, different sections of people, counsellors and family therapists, seeking their feedback and opinions .

Mothers are unbiased and have an equal amount of affection for their kids, however many children they may be having, is one thing that everyone agreed to.

Talking to someone from my own field, a counsellor who I just met from Mumbai, I was told that mothers could have favorites. We realized that some children hurt you and yet get ignored and forgiven,while as some get unduly punished for similar acts of offence and misbehavior. Talking to her, it was confirmed that mothers do have favorites. They forgive one and they punish the other for the same act of misdemeanor, wave off some unruly acts for one and create a scene with the other child.

This made me rethink about the logic I had given to my children about mother father, left arm right arm, and realized that I may not have been right.

I decided to talk to other experts, as I wanted to clear this misgiving that was getting a little disturbing for me.

Their explanations put me at ease.

They said that mothers do not consciously go for preferential treatment and in case one feels that they do so, is probably to balance it out with the children as per their strengths and weaknesses, and probably these are their ways to correct the erring children, according to their style of parenting.

They do not choose one over the other, for then they would not be mothers. "They in fact customize the treatment according to the respective temperaments of the children",said an expert.

Instead, mothers do have confidantes and that may give the impression that they have favourites.

They also said that in erstwhile India with little or no education, gender decided the kind of treatment you gave your children. While as boys got away with anything, the daughters were conditioned to remain quiet and stay rule bound, whether it was curfew hours, diet, or housework. In today’s age and time this disparity has narrowed down to a very large extent.

Also in some families, hierarchy mattered. The older sibling is deemed to be more responsible and, in a way, becomes a custodian of family rules and values.

The clouds cleared and I could feel the light of wisdom stream on my psyche, leaving me more optimistic and cheerful .

So do take a chance and express what is on your mind. You will never know the answers, till you don’t seek them, unless you try!